There are only 3 types of relationships – Which is yours?

Have you ever found yourself frustrated, wondering why your partner sees the world so differently from you?

Maybe you’ve argued over differences that seem obvious to you or struggled to understand their reactions to certain situations?

The truth is, your partner isn’t wired like you—and that’s not only normal but expected.

The key to navigating differences lies in understanding their core of their wiring, which is SHAPED by two simple yet powerful factors: their core fear and their core values.

If you understand how you are wired (your fears and values) and your partners, you will quickly see why you behave the ways you do. After I explain the basics of shape dynamics, I will show you the three types of relationships possible and you can figure out yours.

The Basics of Shape Dynamics:

Core Fear: Every person has a primary fear that drives their behavior when they feel unsafe. This fear might be rooted in a fear of failure, a fear of loss, or a combination of both. It’s the instinctive lens through which they interpret challenges and interactions. When this fear is triggered, people often respond in ways that prioritize self-protection—sometimes at the expense of connection.

Core Values: Just as your core fear shapes your behavior, your values also drive your priorities and decisions. Your unique value system determines what you overvalue and undervalue, whether it’s loyalty, independence, achievement, appearances, or creativity. Your values act as a compass, influencing how you approach everything and especially what bothers you.

When you combine these two factors, you get a clear picture of why humans behave the way they do. For example, if your partner values independence and has a core fear of loss, they might resist advice or micromanagement, interpreting it as a threat to their autonomy. On the other hand, a partner who values comfort and has a core fear of failure may shy away from conflict, even avoiding it.

Three types of relationships – which is yours?

Understanding shape dynamics can also help you identify which type of relationship you and your partner have. In the 12 Shapes Relationship System, relationships generally fall into three categories:

1. Insecure and Insecure

   • This dynamic involves two fear of failure-dominant people, who are both generally people pleasers. They often avoid conflict and prioritize harmony, which can lead to suppressed emotions or unmet needs. Recognizing their shared fear can help both partners practice self-assurance and encourage honest communication.

     
     

2. Opinionated and Opinionated

   • In this dynamic, both partners are fear of loss-dominant and tend to have strong views on most things. They can clash due to their shared need for control and tendency to be critical. Understanding their similarities can help them find mutual respect and compromise, rather than battling over who is "right."

     
     

3. Insecure and Opinionated

   • This is the most common pairing, as opposites often attract. However, these partners are also the most different, with a great need to understand each other’s wiring. The insecure partner may prioritize harmony and fear conflict, while the opinionated partner might push for decisions and structure. By recognizing these differences, both partners can learn to support each other’s needs without judgment. The fear of loss dominant person must learn to avoid criticism and handle feedback carefully. They must learn to validate and handle conflict with care. The fear of failure dominant person must have thicker skin, speak up and have boundaries, and ask for what they need.

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

1. Identify Your Partner’s Core Fear

   • Pay attention to the situations that seem to trigger their most defensive or reactive behaviors. Are they afraid of failing or being seen as inadequate? Or do they fear losing connection, stability, or control?

   • Instead of reacting to their fear-driven behavior, try to address the underlying fear with reassurance or understanding. Ask questions and be curious to understand what your partner is experiencing, instead of reacting.

     
     

2. Understand Their Core Values

   • What do they talk about most passionately? What do they prioritize in their daily life? These clues reveal their values. Or have the take the 12 Shapes quiz and learn about their unique value system and what they need to feel safe.

   • Celebrate and honor their values, even if they differ from your own. For example, if they value achievement, support their goals. If they value harmony, work to resolve conflicts calmly.

     
     

3. Reflect on Your Own Fear and Values

   • Your partner isn’t the only one shaped by core fears and values. Understanding your own wiring helps you see how your instincts and priorities might clash or complement theirs.

   • Be honest about how your fears might be affecting your reactions and communication.

     
     

4. Create Safety in the Relationship

   • When both partners feel safe, they’re more likely to act from love and wisdom instead of fear. Practice validating each other’s feelings and avoiding judgment.

   • For example, instead of saying, “You’re overreacting,” try saying, “I can see why this would upset you.” Validation builds trust and fosters deeper connection.

Conclusion

Your partner’s thought process, reactions, and priorities might seem baffling at times, but Shape Dynamics offers a simple yet powerful way to understand them. By recognizing their core fear and core values, you can move beyond frustration and into a place of compassion. Whether you’re navigating dependent, independent, or interdependent dynamics, understanding these foundational aspects of your partner’s wiring will help you build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

In the end, the beauty of shape dynamics is that it not only helps you understand your partner but also brings out the best in both of you, creating a relationship where both people can feel safer and good enough as they are.