Explaining your two core fears

All human behavior is primarily driven by two things: what we value and what we fear. Unfortunately, fear is an even more powerful driver than love or values. So, it is important that you understand how fear affects us.

When we experience fear, we immediately feel defensive, and our attention shifts to self-preservation and protecting ourselves—a selfish stance that is void of love towards others. We cannot help this, as it is a survival mechanism deep in our subconscious programming. We are ultimately programmed to seek safety first and foremost, and this is what causes most of our conflicts and fights with other people. If their behavior makes us feel unsafe, we will see them as the enemy.

Fear causes problems in relationships because it is the antithesis of love. Fear and love are not just opposites; they cannot both exist in the same place at the same time. When we experience fear, our capacity for love (and our other values) goes out the window. This results in unhealthy, fear-based protective behaviors such as selfishness, anger, people-pleasing, co-dependency, etc.

Interestingly, there are only two main things that we fear, and every human being is battling these same two core fears, to some degree, every day. Everything else you fear rolls into these two categories. Keeping all fear to these two categories makes it easier to understand and stay aware of.

The Two Core Fears

1. The Fear of Failure – the fear that you might not be good enough or are inadequate.

2. The Fear of Loss – the fear that you aren’t safe and things won’t be right.

All fear is either about your personal inadequacy or insecurity, or it is about losing quality of life or feeling unsafe at some level.

While everyone has both core fears in play to some degree, people typically have one that is their dominant core fear. Understanding each other’s core fear can help us have more compassion for them. It also helps us to see our similarities instead of just our differences. The truth is that we are all scared that we aren’t good enough and aren’t safe and these fears are in play all the time. Let’s explore each fear in detail.

The fear of failure is the fear of being inadequate, unloved, unwanted, or not good enough. It includes the fear of abandonment, being alone, rejected, judged, or imperfect. Everyone is afraid of failure to some degree. We all experience mistakes, faults, and flaws that haunt us and make us worry we aren’t good enough.

People who are fear of failure dominant though suffer from many feelings of insecurity. They tend to be people pleasers who care too much about what others think of them, and they need a lot of validation and reassurance to feel safe. They often struggle with boundaries and saying “no” and they can be doormats who hesitate to speak their truth.

Does this sound like you or someone you know?

The second core fear, the fear of loss is interesting because it encompasses a lot of things that can make you feel unsafe or taken from. The fear of loss includes the fear of being mistreated, left, or of not having things the way you want them. It is the fear of being hurt, of bad things happening, or missing out on opportunities. We experience loss whenever life fails to live up to our expectations or we don’t get what we want.

You experience the fear of loss around losing people, money, time, energy, reputation, or quality of life. Whenever anyone does anything you don’t like, you have a loss experience. If you get stressed over anything, you are experiencing fear of loss (fear of things not being right).

To battle the fear of loss, we again employ safety-seeking behaviors. The most common is the tendency to try to control things. We believe if we can just control everything and everyone, we can protect ourselves from loss, but this behavior can cause many problems in our relationships. Do you stress about things not being right? Do you often feel mistreated? Are you picky, opinionated, or controlling? If so, you may be fear-of-loss dominant.

Think about some of the people you live and work with (and possibly struggle to get along with). Can you tell what their dominant fear is? Are they more insecure and people-pleasing, or are they more controlling and picky?

Understanding these fears is the first step to understanding people better and improving your relationships. Recognizing when we or others are being triggered with fear can help us pause and respond intentionally to what they need, instead of simply reacting defensively. Understanding someone’s dominant core fear helps you understand what they need and why they are triggered by certain experiences.

If they or you are fear of failure dominant, you need lots of validation and encouragement that you are enough. These people are often oversensitive to criticism and feedback, and they need lots of reassurance that they are appreciated and valued.

If they are fear of loss dominant, they need control and lots of reassurance that things are going to be okay, and they are safe. They also need to have their concerns validated and heard. They need to know they are important and respected, and that you care how they feel. Knowing what people need when they are fear-triggered is key to creating a healthy relationship with them.

The next step to improving your relationships is understanding fear in relation to the 12 Shapes. As you learn about each Shape, pay special attention to the dominant core fear associated with each one. Make sure you know your own dominant core fear and that of your partner, children, friends, and coworkers. If you pay attention, you will see that every fight, conflict, or upset that happens to you or them, is tied to their dominant core fear.

The chart shows each of the 12 Shapes with the dominant core fear for each Shape. The middle, darker section are the fear of failure dominant Shapes, and the first three Shapes on the bottom row are the fear of loss dominant Shapes. The Shapes on the far right of the chart are the Polygonal Shapes. These Shapes are usually fear of loss dominant but may have either or both fears equally. (More information regarding the Polygonal Shapes will follow later.)