How to Recognize Red Flags in People – In Hiring or Dating
When you're hiring a new employee or going on a first date, it's easy to get caught up in charm, credentials, or chemistry. But if you're looking for lasting success—either in business or love—you need to train your eye to spot red flags early.
But what exactly are red flags?
They're not just bad habits or personality quirks. They're signs of something deeper: imbalance. More specifically, red flags to us at 12 Shapes, are indicators that someone is unbalanced in one of two areas:
Their fears, or
Their values.
We focus on these two things because they are the actual drivers of human behavior at the subconscious level. In the past companies have focused on personality, but fears and values are the reasons, a person has that personality. They are the foundational level of behavior and much more important. Don't hire or date anyone until you understand their core values and their core fear - and their Shape.
Red Flags Are Often Fear in Disguise
When you feel unsafe, you can’t think clearly and you lose access to your higher self. People in a chronic fear state can’t be on their best behavior because their choices are driven by safety seeking, protection, self-promotion, or getting whatever they need to feel secure again. This means they cannot focus on you, the company, customers, or anyone else and they struggle to be generous, wise, or loving in this state. They are instead focused on their own survival—on proving they’re “enough” and protecting themselves from harm. That’s where most red flags (bad behaviors) come from.
Here are some fear-driven red flags to watch for:
Ego or Over-Confidence:
When someone constantly promotes themselves, brags about their talents, or talks over others, it's often a sign they're compensating for inner insecurity.
Ask: “What are your biggest strengths—and where do you still have room to grow?” No one is going to overshare about their weaknesses in an interview, but you can also tell when someone is confident, versus egotistical. Quiet strength speaks in their energy
Negativity and Gossip:
Speaking badly about others (former employers, exes, organizations, or institutions) is a sign of low self-worth. They try to lift themselves by tearing others down.
Ask: “Tell me about someone who drives you crazy—why?”
Insecurity and Self-Doubt:
While humility is healthy, extreme self-doubt makes it hard to take feedback or try new things.
This is something you feel in someone. They are extremely nervous about the interview and under sell themselves. For some roles this can actually be a plus though. People pleasers often make good, loyal employees, they just struggle to lead or push progress.
Perfectionism:
The obsession with order, performance, or doing things "right" can signal fear of failure or rejection.
Ask: “How organized are your closets or car?” or “How do you feel when plans change unexpectedly?”
Control Issues:
An intense need to control situations or people often comes from deep fear. These individuals struggle to collaborate, share leadership, or go with the flow.
Ask: “How do you feel about letting someone else take the lead?” or “Do you get frustrated when plans change?”"How do you feel if someone disagrees with your strongly help opinions?"
Emotional Reactivity:
People with low emotional safety tend to overreact to minor slights or perceived disrespect.
Ask: “What behaviors really trigger you?” and watch their response.
Hyper-defensiveness or Victim Thinking:
If someone can’t take feedback without becoming hurt or angry—or they always blame others—they’re likely operating from a fear of not being good enough.
Ask: “How do you typically handle criticism?” or “Tell me about a time you were wrongly accused of a mistake.”
Lack of Accountability:
Fear-driven people may struggle to take responsibility because it feels too threatening. They deflect, deny, or blame.
Ask: “What’s a decision you regret and what did you learn from it?
You can ask many of these same questions in a dating setting. You don’t want your date to sound like a job interview, but on some level it is. You need to be realistic and watch for these red flags, no matter how good looking or attractive someone is. These fear driven behaviors will quickly poison relationships.
Red Flags Can Also Come from Values Out of Balance
We all value different things—people, tasks, ideas, experiences, structure, nature, justice. But when any one value becomes too dominant, it creates problems in relationships and work environments. Think of it this way: A value is a strength—until it's out of balance.
Signs of Values Out of Balance:
Tasks Over People:
If someone is so task-oriented that they overlook people’s feelings, relationships suffer.
Ask: “What’s more important to you: finishing the project on time or making sure customers feels heard?”
People Over Work:
On the flip side, someone who values connection so highly that they waste time socializing or can’t stay on task can create performance issues.
Ask: “How do you handle socializing during work hours?”
Structure Over Flexibility:
Highly structured individuals may resist change or new ideas, even when needed.
Try: Challenging one of their ideas and see what happens. Are they open to other ideas and flexible or extremely sure they are right?
Justice Over Compassion:
People who value fairness above all may struggle with empathy and grace.
Ask: “Would you rather be fair or kind?”
What you’re really trying to uncover is this: Are they emotionally intelligent and balanced? Do they demonstrate flexibility, self-awareness, and compassion—or do they seem rigid, reactive, or driven by fear? These are a little nuanced because like I said earlier strengths and weaknesses are usually the same quality, just too dominate.
A Final Word: We're All a Bit Unbalanced Sometimes
Let’s be real—none of us are perfectly balanced. We all have unbalanced fears and values at times. But when it comes to hiring or dating, you want to watch for signs of extreme or chronic imbalance that could damage your team or your relationship.
For example:
A highly organized person might seem ideal… unless they’re also inflexible and controlling.
A deeply empathetic person might be lovely… but also lack drive or follow-through.
A task-oriented powerhouse might get things done… but leave you feeling invisible.
And here’s the key: What works in one role or relationship may be a red flag in another.
If you’re hiring a surgeon? Perfectionism might be ideal.If you’re looking for a life partner? Maybe not.
Take some time and identify the qualities that you are looking for in a partner, or for this exact role. Which strengths and weaknesses, and value systems are most important for this job, and which will work best for the other people on the team.
Then, you can easily see the right Shape for that role. Our Hiring package could also help you to write a job description and interview questions that will bring the right Shape to the surface.
The compatibility report below can help you do this for dating.
Want to Know Which Red Flags Matter Most for You?
We are all different Shapes —and each Shape has certain imbalances that trigger us more than others. If you want to know which red flags you should pay special attention to (and which you might actually thrive with), take the quiz and find your Shape first, then check out your Shape Compatibility Report:
Trust your instincts—but even better, understand the psychology behind them. Red flags aren’t random. They’re signals. The more you understand what they mean, the better choices you’ll make—in business, love, and life.
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