If You Really Want to Know Someone - Pay Attention to These 4 Things
People show you who they are through their behavior, not their words.
If you really want to understand someone—before you commit to hiring them, dating them, or trusting them in any meaningful way—pay close attention to these four powerful indicators.
They will tell you everything you need to know about what drives them, what triggers them, and how they will show up in your life.
1. What Bothers Them? (This reveals their Core Values)
Want to know what someone truly cares about? Pay attention to what frustrates them the most.
Do they get annoyed when people are late? They probably value efficiency and respect.
Do they obsess over things being done the "right" way? They likely value systems and structure.
Do they get upset when people are treated unfairly? They care most about people and emotional connection.
Do they hate messes and disorder? They value control, organization, and aesthetics.
Do they get restless when there’s nothing to do? They thrive on action and productivity.
People fight hardest for what they subconsciously value most.
Big takeaway: If you can identify what they overvalue, you will know what they will prioritize over you in a disagreement.
How This Plays Out in Real Life:
✔ A person who values efficiency and precision might be great at work but struggle with flexibility in relationships.
✔ Someone who values tasks and results might be a hard worker but emotionally detached.
✔ A person who values feelings and people might be warm and compassionate but struggle with boundaries or structure.
Key Insight: There is no right or wrong way to be but knowing what someone values most tells you what will motivate their decisions and cause their biggest conflicts.
2. How Do They Respond When You Ask a Lot of Them? (This Reveals their Core Fear)
When people are put under pressure, their true wiring is revealed. Pay attention to how they handle expectations and demands—this will show you if they are driven by a fear of failure or a fear of loss.
If they people-please and overextend themselves, they likely have a fear of failure. They need reassurance, validation, and appreciation to feel safe and valued.
If they have strong boundaries and refuse to overextend, they likely have a fear of loss. They prioritize self-protection, independence, and control over their environment.
Neither is better or worse—they are just different.
Big takeaway: If you want to get along with someone, learn whether they need praise and encouragement (fear of failure) or security and autonomy (fear of loss).
How This Plays Out in Real Life:
✔ A fear of failure dominant person might struggle with saying "no" and need frequent validation.
✔ A fear of loss dominant person will set clear boundaries and speak their mind without hesitation.
✔ Knowing this allows you to communicate in a way that makes them feel safe instead of triggered.
Key Insight: If you push a fear of failure person too hard, they will burn out. If you push a fear of loss person too hard, they will push back.
3. What Triggers Them & Brings Out Their Worst Behavior? (This Reveals their Balance)
The fastest way to know someone’s emotional maturity is to watch what throws them off balance and how often it happens. When people are triggered, they revert to their worst behaviors and if they do this a lot, they struggle with emotional balance..
If someone melts down, gets overly emotional, or feels rejected easily and is highly sensitive to criticism or suggestions, they are likely fear of failure dominant and highly unbalanced.
If someone gets defensive, combative, or easily bothered when things aren’t right or when they feel mistreated, they are likely fear of loss dominant.
Big takeaway: The big question is how often does this happen? When people behave badly often, it’s usually because they feel unsafe often. Instead of reacting, look for the underlying fear. They are functioning often in a fear state, and you can expect more unbalanced behavior when this is happening.
Key Insight: Knowing someone’s fear trigger helps you avoid unnecessary conflict and respond with understanding instead of judgment.
4. How Do They Talk About People Who Are Different from Them? (They Reveals their Level of Emotional Maturity)
One of the biggest red flags (or green flags) in a person’s character is how they talk about and treat people who are different from them.
If they mock, insult, or dismiss people who are different (politically, economically, culturally, or in personality), they are revealing low self-esteem and that they are functioning in a fear state.
If they approach differences with curiosity, respect, and empathy, they have a high level of emotional maturity and function more in a clarity state.
Big takeaway: People who judge others harshly will eventually judge you the same way.
How This Plays Out in Real Life:
✔ Someone who puts others down to feel superior is showing their own insecurity.
✔ Someone who sees people as equal even if they disagree is emotionally balanced.
✔ How someone treats those they perceive as “less than” tells you how they will treat you in a conflict.
Key Insight: People who respect differences make the best leaders, partners, and friends.
The Science Behind This: The 12 Shapes System
If you want to shortcut the entire process of understanding someone, have them take the 12 Shapes Quiz.
With just one quiz, you’ll know:
· Their Core Value System (What they subconsciously prioritize in life)
· Their Core Fear (What triggers their worst behaviors)
· How They Act When Stressed vs. Balanced
· How They Will Treat You in a Relationship or Workplace
The only thing we can’t measure is how emotionally balanced they are—that’s something you need to observe. But watching how often they are triggered and how they treat others is a good indicator.
Want to know YOUR Shape?
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