The Guide to Hard Conversations (When You Need Someone to Change Their Behavior)

There are few things more uncomfortable than having to ask someone to change how they treat you.

Especially when they get defensive easily.Especially when you care about the relationship.Especially when you’re trying to stay calm, kind, and respectful… and it still feels like walking on eggshells.

If you’ve ever needed to talk to someone about how their behavior affects you—but dreaded how it might blow up or shut down—you’re not alone. Most people were never taught how to have these kinds of conversations in a healthy, safe, and productive way.

But you can do it. You just need a formula that works. In my book How Humans Are Wired, I teach a tool called the Mutually Validating Conversation—and it’s the secret to having hard conversations that actually bring people closer instead of pushing them away.

Here’s how it works to have Hard Conversations with ease.

Step 1: See Them As the Same as You

Before you say a word, pause and check your mindset. This is where most conversations go sideways—before they even start.

If you’re walking into the conversation thinking:

• “They’re so selfish.”

• “They never listen.”

• “They always screw this up.”

…you’re already placing yourself above them.

The truth is, they’re just like you: human, flawed, scared, doing their best with the tools they have. When you start from a place of equality—I’m not better than you, and you’re not worse than me—you lay the groundwork for safety and connection. And without emotional safety, hard conversations don’t go anywhere.

Step 2: Set Your Stuff Aside (for Now)

You might be hurt. You might be frustrated. You might feel totally justified in all of it. But if you want the other person to stay open, you’ve got to set your emotions, judgments, and story aside temporarily so you can show up as your best self first.

This doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter. It just means you’re choosing to lead with curiosity instead of criticism, so you don’t trigger their defenses right out of the gate.

You’re saying, “I want to understand you before I expect you to understand me.”

Step 3: Ask Questions and Listen — Then Validate Them

Start the conversation by asking about their experience:

“Can I ask how you’ve been feeling about things lately?”“Have I done anything that made you feel unsupported or misunderstood?”“What’s your perspective on what’s been going on between us?”

Then—this is critical—really listen. Reflect back what you hear. Don’t argue or defend. Just show them that you’re willing to see their side.

“That makes sense.”“I didn’t realize you felt that way—thank you for telling me.”“I can see why that would be upsetting.”

Even if you don’t agree with everything they say, validation is not agreement—it’s just saying, “Your feelings are real, and I get why you feel them.”

This is the moment where you earn their trust. And that trust creates space for your truth too.

Step 4: Ask Permission to Share

Now that they’ve been heard and validated, it’s time to ask a permission question:

“Would it be okay if I shared how I’ve been feeling too?”“Can I tell you what’s been coming up for me lately?”

Asking permission before giving feedback is a powerful gesture of respect. It prevents the conversation from turning into a one-sided attack and instead invites collaboration.

Step 5: Speak Your Truth the Right Way

When it’s your turn to talk, keep these three things in mind:

·      Use “I” statements

·      Focus on how you feel and what you need

·      Keep the focus on the future, not rehashing the past

Try something like:

“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and anxious when [behavior happens], and I realize I haven’t said anything because I didn’t want to make things worse. But I think I need to be more honest about what I need going forward.”“It would really help me if, if moving forward, we could [new behavior or boundary]. That would help me feel more supported and safe.”

The goal isn’t to make them wrong. It’s to share how certain dynamics affect you, and ask for something that strengthens the relationship moving forward.

Change Starts with Safety

People are much more likely to change their behavior when they feel valued, respected, and emotionally safe. The Mutually Validating Conversation model gives you the tools to create that safety—for them and for you.

It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. Because when we stop avoiding the hard stuff and start having the real conversations—with empathy and courage—we give our relationships the chance to grow into something deeper, healthier, and more connected.