The Ultimate Cheat Sheet for better relationships - Learn EXACTLY what the people you love NEED most!

This Is Better Than Love Languages (and Might Just Save Your Relationship). If you’ve ever wondered why someone you love seems distant, triggered, overly emotional, or hard to resolve conflict with—it may not be because they don’t love you. It might be because their core emotional needs aren’t being met.

This post is your ultimate cheat sheet for understanding the deepest subconscious needs of the people in your life, based on their Shape from the 12 Shapes Relationship System.

Yes, it’s kind of like the “love languages” idea—but 10x more powerful.  Why? Because this isn’t just about what someone likes, it’s about what they need when they feel unsafe, unworthy, or unloved. These needs are wired deep in their psychology—based on their core fear and what they overvalue most. And every time they’re upset, triggered, or pulling away… this is what they need most.

Before you can use this cheat sheet, you need to know what Shape your partner, child, friend, or coworker is.  Have them take the quiz at 12shapes.com, or use the child quiz to determine the Shape of your kids. Now let’s dive in…

HEART

Fear of Failure Dominant

Overvalues: Comfort, safety, connection, emotional calm

Core Need:To feel safe, accepted, and enough exactly as they are. They need warm validation, loving words, and quality time with you to feel chosen and valued.

Hearts need you to:

• Offer soothing comfort, especially during conflict

• Spend time doing things together

• Give gentle affection and words of reassurance

• Never shame or push them too hard—they need emotional safety first

For a Heart Child: Help them to find things they are good at to build confidence and reassure them, that though they feel different and not good enough, they are just perfect exactly as they are. Focus on their kindness and other good qualities.

CIRCLE

Fear of Failure Dominant

Overvalues: Connection, adventure, fun, freedom

Core Need:To feel seen, appreciated, and wanted, especially in social, exciting, or fun ways. They need verbal validation and fun time with family and friends.

Circles need you to:

• Do fun things together—go out, play, be spontaneous.

• Give verbal affection and praise.

• Be enthusiastic about spending time with them.

For a Circle Child: Keep them stimulated with safe excitement. Take them to do lots of exciting activities, this will keep them out of trouble.

OVAL

Fear of Failure Dominant

Overvalues: Rules, fairness, obedience, work ethic

Core Need:To be treated with gentleness, kindness, and fairness. They crave validation that they are good, doing things right, and not in trouble.

Ovals need you to:

• Be soft and respectful— harshness is damaging.

• Verbally validate them often.

• Never be sharp or snap at them.

For an Oval Child: Encourage them to speak up and honor their own needs.  Teach them they matter and are safe to express themselves.

OCTAGON

Polygonal (Fear of Failure or Loss Dominant)

Overvalues: Being seen, admired, appreciated

Core Need:To feel loved, special, important, and emotionally understood. They need you to validate their feelings deeply and honor their right to see things the way they are.

Octagons need you to:

• Be their biggest fan and rant and rave about them.

• Listen to their strong emotions and validate before responding.

• Show passion and physical affection, and spend quality time with them.

For an Octagon Child: Help them see others’ perspectives and learn to let others lead and have their way. Teach them to be flexible and allow others their opinions.

STAR

Fear of Failure Dominant

Overvalues: Appearance, beauty, comfort, expression

Core Need:To be told they are beautiful, creative, and deeply valued. They need praise, affection, and thoughtful gifts—but also need help learning they’re valuable without needing external validation.

Stars need you to:

• Compliment their looks and creativity

• Give thoughtful gifts

• Be gentle with criticism

• Teach them their inner worth is unchanging

For a Star Child: Help them to understand their value isn’t tied to appearance or performance.

ARROW

Fear of Failure DominantOvervalues: Efficiency, problem-solving, achievement

Core Need:To be praised for what they do and reassured that they are capable, intelligent, and appreciated.

Arrows need you to:

• Cheer them on, especially when they succeed.

• Appreciate their efforts before pointing out flaws.

• Give them the freedom to move fast and solve things their way.

• Say “You’re amazing at this!” often.

For an Arrow Child: Give them freedom to do things their way, experiment, try things, and give them lots of fun adventure and activity, especially physical, along with lots of praise.

RECTANGLE

Fear of Failure Dominant

Overvalues: Learning, freedom, independent thinking

Core Need:To be respected for their ideas, given time and space, and encouraged in their interests.

Rectangles need you to:

• Ask about their ideas and truly listen

• Don’t rush them to make decisions

• Validate their unique mind and interests

For a Rectangle Child: Help them navigate emotional and social interactions gently, and to know that they are good enough even though they might struggle with relationships. Teach them social skills and that they are perfect the way they are.

DIAMOND

Polygonal (Failure or Loss Dominant)

Overvalues: Structure, order, neatness, perfection

Core Need:To have their stress, anxiety, and need for control understood. They need you to support their anxiousness without shaming them for it. It’s hard to be a Diamond and they need you to validate them as they are.

A Diamond needs you to:

• Validate how hard they try to do things right

• Reassure them they don’t need to be perfect

• Let them feel some control over routines and order

For a Diamond Child: Help them loosen up— and know they don’t have to be perfect all the time. Teach them to get messy and do things badly and it’s okay.

CROSS

Fear of Loss Dominant

Overvalues: Responsibility, values, care for others and the planet

Core Need:To be heard and validated for their strong principles. They want to be respected for their truth, not argued with.

A Cross needs you to:

• Listen respectfully, even if you disagree

• Validate their right to care deeply

• Support their causes and sense of mission

For a Cross Child: Teach them to stay open to other views and listen to others and validate their views too.

RHOMBUS

Fear of Loss Dominant

Overvalues: Winning, status, adventure, freedom

Core Need:To feel respected, powerful, and admired. They want to be treated like the boss—and deeply resent being told they’re wrong.

Rhombuses need you to:

• Show admiration and appreciation

• Let them lead in areas that matter to them

• Be supportive, not corrective

For a Rhombus Child: Teach them to show compassion for others’ struggles, and allow others to lead. They need to learn not to judge harshly or see others as less than them.

TRIANGLE

Fear of Loss Dominant

Overvalues: Intelligence, logic, frugality, systems

Core Need:To be given space to do their thing, and be understood and accepted for being different.

Triangles need you to:

• Not take their frustration or anger personally— they are often feeling insecure or afraid but it comes out as anger.

• Listen to them even when it’s hard to relate and validate their views.

• Tell them they are not broken—they’re just unique

For a Triangle Child: Teach them emotional intelligence and compassion. Help them learn to listen and have compassion for others while they are young.

SQUARE

Polygonal (Usually Fear of Loss Dominant)Overvalues: Discipline, structure, tradition, doing it “right”

Core Need:To have control, to be heard, and to be respected for their strong values and methods.

Squares need you to:

• Try to do things their way when it matters.

• Listen even when they’re verbose.

• Be honest and moral and treat them right.

For a Square Child: Teach them how to be softer, more flexible. Teach them to listen and validate other’s views and to have compassion for them.  Help them honor others’ ideas, even when they disagree.

 The Ultimate Cheat Sheet Bottom Line-

Yes, each Shape has a unique set of fears, values, and needs. But when you zoom out, you’ll see a powerful theme: Everyone needs to be seen, heard, validated, and loved as they are. They need to know they are good enough, even though they are different. Some Shapes need more verbal validation and others need more validation around their ideas and views, but it comes down to one simple thing – make them feel they are valuable and important – not matter what they are experiencing in that moment.

If you can learn to give someone their core need when they’re upset, everything changes. You’ll calm the conflict, deepen the trust, and build a relationship they never want to leave.

And to do that—you need to know their Shape.

Want Help Getting This Right?

We’ve created tools, coaching, and compatibility reports to help you:

• Know your Shape

• Understand your partner or child

• Meet each other’s deepest needs

• And build the healthiest relationship of your life

Start by taking the Shape quiz at 12shapes.com

Then get your copy of the new book – How Humans are Wired!