The Ultimate Guide for Personality Clashes in the Office

Personality clashes in the workplace usually stem from one of three core causes. Identifying the root cause is the first step in resolving the conflict effectively.

3 Most Common Causes of Personality Clashes at work.

Annoying Behaviors: These are habits or quirks that irritate you but don’t necessarily harm others, like a loud voice, interrupting frequently, spitting when speaking or other distracting tendencies.
Differences in Values: These occur when someone’s priorities or way of operating clash with your own value system.
Fear Triggers: When someone’s behavior makes you feel unsafe or inadequate, triggering your fear of failure or fear of loss.

Let’s explore each cause and the solutions in detail.

1. Annoying Behaviors: Stretch Your Compassion

When the conflict stems from simple annoyances, like someone’s tone of voice or a habit that grates on your nerves, it’s an opportunity for personal growth.

Perspective Shift: Recognize that their behavior doesn’t diminish their intrinsic value. Learning to accept their imperfections without judgment can deepen your compassion for others and, in turn, for yourself.
Key Insight: The more you can allow others to be imperfect, the better you’ll be at accepting your own flaws without feeling diminished.

Practical Tip:

When faced with an annoying behavior, pause and remind yourself: “My ability to love and appreciate them despite flaws – directly impacts my ability to love myself. So I choose to have compassion and patience.”
Practice seeing these moments as lessons in tolerance and understanding.

The Payoff: Growing your compassion for others helps you unconditionally love yourself.

2. Differences in Values: Build Bridges, Not Barriers

Value differences can be frustrating because they challenge what we hold dear. For example, if you over-value productivity and someone else over-values connection, their habit of chatting instead of working may irritate you.

Key Concept: Your value system isn’t inherently better than theirs; it’s simply different. Both ways of being have pros and cons. For instance, being task-oriented can lead to high efficiency but may sacrifice team bonding. On the other hand, valuing connection can foster collaboration but potentially slow down progress. The point is that you aren’t right, and they are wrong. Again, allowing differences without judgment fosters growth.
Your Role: Allow people to be wired differently without labeling them as wrong, bad, or less valuable. Try to honor the strengths and benefits of their value system.

Practical Tips:

If you’re in a leadership role, you may need to correct behaviors that affect team productivity. However, do this with respect, focusing on extrinsic actions rather than intrinsic worth: “I appreciate your ability to connect with others, but we need to ensure deadlines are met. How can we balance both?”

Key Insight:Understanding that every strength comes with a corresponding weakness, this helps you see the necessity of diverse value systems in the workplace. The world needs all types of people, and there’s a place for everyone.

The Payoff: Embracing different value systems allows you to better accept your own strengths and weaknesses.

3. Fear Triggers: Heal and Communicate Effectively

The deepest personality clashes arise when someone’s behavior triggers your fears. For example, a competitive coworker who constantly one-ups you may make you feel small or insecure.

Step One: Recognize the fear that’s being triggered in you. Is it the fear of failure (not being good enough) or the fear of loss (not being safe or in control)?
Step Two: Work on healing your fear. This might involve personal coaching, self-reflection, or building your confidence. The goal is to become immune to fear triggers so that no one has the power to make you feel small.

When to Have a Conversation:

If the behavior from their differing fears or values continues to impact you negatively, a mutually validating conversation may be necessary.
Key Tip: Only approach this conversation when you are calm and balanced, free of fear or victimhood, so you can communicate from a place of calm and clarity.

Example Script:

Spend some time upfront asking them about how they feel about the work you do together and if you could do anything better to support them. Then, ask if you could ask them a favor. “I value our working relationship, and I want to address something that’s been challenging for me. I’ve noticed [specific behavior], and it makes me feel [impact on you]. Could I possibly ask you to do things differently for me, moving forward?”

The Payoff: By addressing fear triggers with maturity and confidence, you set boundaries without sacrificing the relationship.

4. Reframe Conflict as an Opportunity for Growth

The 12 Shapes system teaches us that every conflict is a mirror reflecting areas for personal growth. Instead of seeing the other person as the problem, ask yourself what this clash reveals about you? Seeing this problem as a growth opportunity will change how you feel about it.

How is this situation a perfect teacher?
Is it teaching you compassion for differences?
Is it challenging you to reassess the way you judge others?
Is it an opportunity to build resilience and heal fear triggers?

Final Thought

It can make this process even easier when you know the Shapes of those you work with. Knowing someone’s Shape can instantly create understanding for why they behave the way they do. You may see that the ultra-competitive coworker is fear of failure dominant and though they come off as arrogant, they are scared they aren’t good enough. This could help you see their behavior in a new more compassionate light. Knowing your own Shape could help you see when certain behaviors bother you so much, because they dishonor your core values. This could help you instantly allow others to be different.

Remember: You and your co-workers can take the 12 Shapes Quiz for FREE at 12Shapes.com