Why You Sometimes Behave Badly (And How to Stop)

Have you ever had a moment where you lost your temper, acted selfishly, or felt too insecure to speak up? Maybe you lashed out at someone you care about, avoided a tough conversation, or made a decision you later regretted. It happens to all of us. But have you ever stopped to ask yourself why?

The answer is simpler than you might think: Every time you behave badly, it’s because you’re fear-triggered.

When fear takes over, it shifts you into self-protection mode. It convinces you that you have to be defensive, shut down, lash out, or put yourself first—just to stay safe. In these moments, you lose access to your best qualities: your wisdom, kindness, patience, and values. Instead, fear hijacks your responses, making you act in ways that don’t reflect who you truly are.

The Two Fears That Trigger You to Behave Badly

All fear-based reactions boil down to two core fears:

Fear of Failure – The belief that you are not good enough.
- This fear makes you worry about being judged, rejected, or inadequate.
- It can show up as insecurity, defensiveness, perfectionism, people-pleasing, or even avoiding challenges.
- When triggered, you might lash out, shut down, or try to prove yourself.

Fear of Loss – The belief that you are not safe.
- This fear makes you feel like you’re losing control, quality of life, security, or time and energy.
- It can show up as defensiveness, anger, controlling behavior, or withdrawal.
- When triggered, you might react aggressively, angry, become possessive, or distance yourself from others.

Think about the last time you had a reaction you weren’t proud of. Can you see which fear was at play?

How to Stop Reacting Badly from Fear

If fear is what drives your worst behavior, then the only way to change is to learn how to manage fear differently.

This is where the 12 Shapes framework comes in—helping people shift from reacting out of fear to responding with wisdom and clarity.

The first step is recognizing that the beliefs driving your fears are not facts. These beliefs were picked up early in life, and while they may feel true, they aren’t necessarily accurate. Most of us have spent years unknowingly reinforcing two damaging beliefs:

“I’m not good enough. My value has to be earned.”
“I’m not safe. Life is unpredictable and against me.”

These two beliefs are what keep you stuck in patterns of insecurity, overreacting, or shutting down. But just as these beliefs were learned, they can also be unlearned.

The Two Beliefs That Cause your Fear Triggers:

To break free from fear-based reactions, try experimenting with two new beliefs:

“My value is infinite and unchanging.”
- My worth is not dependent on achievements, approval, or how others see me.
- I can never be more or less valuable than anyone else.
“The universe is a wise teacher, always working in my favor.”
- I am safe, even in challenging moments.
- Every difficulty is just the universe giving me opportunity to learn and grow.

These beliefs can shift how you experience life. When you stop fearing failure, you no longer need to prove yourself. When you stop fearing loss, you no longer react with control or defensiveness. Instead, you approach situations with clarity, confidence, and emotional intelligence.

Shifting from Fear to Clarity

Learning to manage fear-triggers is not about never feeling triggered—it’s about recognizing fear-triggers for what they are and choosing not to let them control you.

With practice, you can:

· Become less reactive and more intentional in your responses.

· Handle conflict with maturity instead of defensiveness.

· Stop letting insecurity dictate your choices.

· Strengthen your relationships by creating emotional safety.

· Feel more at peace, even when mistreated or disregarded.

None of us can completely eliminate fear-triggers, but we can stop letting it run our lives. The more you practice shifting from fear to clarity, the more you’ll find yourself responding with wisdom instead of reacting in ways you later regret.

So next time you catch yourself feeling triggered—pause. Ask yourself: Is this fear of failure or fear of loss? Then remind yourself of the truth: You are enough. You are safe. And you have the power to respond differently.

If you know that you have sensitivity to feeling mistreated, disregarded, or insecure is causing a lot of problems in your relationships, you might want to consider a little 12 Shapes Coaching to help you find your balance and sense of safety in the world. If you have experienced a lot of unsafety in your life (especially as a child) you may need some additional help to stop having trauma responses to so many things. We can help.

Contact us and try just one session of coaching to see the magic of what we do. 801-231-0107 coachkimgiles@gmail.com